Jay Leno
Paris Hilton’s mother is angry that John McCain put Paris in his campaign video. Isn’t that amazing? Of all the videos Paris has been in, this is the one Mom’s upset about?
It’s getting ugly on the campaign trail. The John McCain campaign has accused Barack Obama of playing the race card, and the Obama campaign has accused McCain of playing the pinochle card.
Barack Obama has accused the Republicans of trying to get the public to fear him because he doesn’t look like the president on the dollar bill. So the choice is, Do you want to elect the guy who doesn’t look like the guy on the dollar bill, or do you want to elect the guy who is older than the president on the dollar bill?
It’s been mentioned that Barack Obama may still pick a woman for vice president, but not Hillary Clinton. Well, today a top Hillary Clinton spokeswoman said that it is inconceivable that Obama would pick another woman over Hillary. To which Bill Clinton said, “It’s not that inconceivable .
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard at Barack Obama's Birthday Party
10. "Where is Britney?"
9. "Hillary, get me another drink"
8. "Brett Favre hasn't decided if he's coming or not"
7. "John McCain has demanded we start drilling for oil in the punch bowl"
6. "Is Senator Craig still in the men's room?"
5. "Where's Paris?"
4. "This is the Barackiest birthday party I've ever been to"
3. No number 3 — writer watching swimming doggies
2. "Mr. Gore, please put your shirt on"
1. "Spitzer's here and he brought whores!"
David Letterman
Great weather in New York City. John McCain had a great weekend — he met with his ham radio club.
Then he played horseshoes at the senior center.
It’s Barack Obama’s birthday today — he’s 47. They say John McCain is 71, but some people are saying he may be older. No one knows for sure because his birth certificate was destroyed when the wagon train was attacked.
Conan O'Brien
Barack Obama has agreed to debate John McCain three times this fall. Both candidates have conditions: Barack Obama wants to have the debates on college campuses; McCain wants them held before 7 p.m.
Craig Ferguson
Barack Obama’s birthday today. Also, Bill Bob Thornton’s birthday. Both very different of course; one’s a former drug user who’s a little bit crazy and will always be in love with Angelina Jolie . . . and the other is Billy Bob
