Saturday, December 20, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Top 10 Dumbest John McCain Quotes
10. "I was looking at the Sturgis schedule, and noticed that you had a beauty pageant, so I encouraged Cindy to compete. I told her [that] with a little luck, she could be the only woman to serve as both the First Lady and Miss Buffalo Chip." --on the annual Miss Buffalo Chip Pageant, which features topless (and occasionally bottomless) contestants, Sturgis, South Dakota, Aug. 4, 2008.
9. "Across this country this is the agenda I have set before my fellow prisoners. And the same standards of clarity and candor must now be applied to my opponent." --Bethlehem, Penn., Oct. 8, 2008.
8. "You know, I think you may have noticed that Senator Obama's supporters have been saying some pretty nasty things about Western Pennsylvania lately. And you know, I couldn't agree with them more. I couldn't disagree with you. I couldn't agree with you more than the fact that Western Pennsylvania is the most patriotic, most god-loving, most, most patriotic part of America, and this is a great part of the country." --Moon Township, Penn., Oct. 21, 2008.
7. "The issue of economics is not something I've understood as well as I should. I've got Greenspan's book." --as quoted in the Boston Globe, Dec. 17, 2007
6. "Our economy, I think, is still -- the fundamentals of our economy are strong." --Jacksonville, Fla., Sept. 15, 2008
5. "You know that old Beach Boys song, Bomb Iran? Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran." --breaking into song after being asked at a VFW meeting about whether it was time to send a message to Iran, Murrells Inlet, South Carolina, April 18, 2007.
4. "There was an energy bill on the floor of the Senate loaded down with goodies, billions for the oil companies, and it was sponsored by Bush and Cheney. You know who voted for it? You might never know. That one." --referring to Barack Obama during the second presidential debate, Nashville, Tennessee, Oct. 7, 2008.
3. "I think -- I'll have my staff get to you. It's condominiums where -- I'll have them get to you." --after being asked how many houses he and his wife, Cindy, own, interview with Politico, Las Cruces, N.M., Aug. 20, 2008 (Take a Google Earth tour of the McCain residences and watch Obama's amusing ad slamming McCain)
2. "Make it a hundred...That would be fine with me." --to a questioner who asked if he supported President Bush's vision for keeping U.S. troops in Iraq for 50 years, Derry, New Hampshire, Jan. 3, 2008
1. "At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you c*nt." --to his wife, Cindy, after she playfully twirled his hair and said "You're getting a little thin up there," as reported in the book The Real McCain by Cliff Schecter.
9. "Across this country this is the agenda I have set before my fellow prisoners. And the same standards of clarity and candor must now be applied to my opponent." --Bethlehem, Penn., Oct. 8, 2008.
8. "You know, I think you may have noticed that Senator Obama's supporters have been saying some pretty nasty things about Western Pennsylvania lately. And you know, I couldn't agree with them more. I couldn't disagree with you. I couldn't agree with you more than the fact that Western Pennsylvania is the most patriotic, most god-loving, most, most patriotic part of America, and this is a great part of the country." --Moon Township, Penn., Oct. 21, 2008.
7. "The issue of economics is not something I've understood as well as I should. I've got Greenspan's book." --as quoted in the Boston Globe, Dec. 17, 2007
6. "Our economy, I think, is still -- the fundamentals of our economy are strong." --Jacksonville, Fla., Sept. 15, 2008
5. "You know that old Beach Boys song, Bomb Iran? Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran." --breaking into song after being asked at a VFW meeting about whether it was time to send a message to Iran, Murrells Inlet, South Carolina, April 18, 2007.
4. "There was an energy bill on the floor of the Senate loaded down with goodies, billions for the oil companies, and it was sponsored by Bush and Cheney. You know who voted for it? You might never know. That one." --referring to Barack Obama during the second presidential debate, Nashville, Tennessee, Oct. 7, 2008.
3. "I think -- I'll have my staff get to you. It's condominiums where -- I'll have them get to you." --after being asked how many houses he and his wife, Cindy, own, interview with Politico, Las Cruces, N.M., Aug. 20, 2008 (Take a Google Earth tour of the McCain residences and watch Obama's amusing ad slamming McCain)
2. "Make it a hundred...That would be fine with me." --to a questioner who asked if he supported President Bush's vision for keeping U.S. troops in Iraq for 50 years, Derry, New Hampshire, Jan. 3, 2008
1. "At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you c*nt." --to his wife, Cindy, after she playfully twirled his hair and said "You're getting a little thin up there," as reported in the book The Real McCain by Cliff Schecter.
Obama, McCain and All Hillary Die And Go To Heaven
John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama all die and go to heaven. God looks down from his throne and asks McCain, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?”
McCain takes a breath and then replies, “Well, I think so because I was a great leader and tried to follow the words in your great book.” God looks down and then says, “You can sit to my left side.”
So, McCain takes his seat and then God asks the same question to Hillary, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?” Hillary thinks for a second and then replies, “I think so because I have been fighting for the rights of so many people for so long.” God again looks down and this time says, “You can sit to my right side.”
Finally God turns to Barack Obama and asks, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?”
Obama smiled and replied, “I think you’re in my seat.”
McCain takes a breath and then replies, “Well, I think so because I was a great leader and tried to follow the words in your great book.” God looks down and then says, “You can sit to my left side.”
So, McCain takes his seat and then God asks the same question to Hillary, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?” Hillary thinks for a second and then replies, “I think so because I have been fighting for the rights of so many people for so long.” God again looks down and this time says, “You can sit to my right side.”
Finally God turns to Barack Obama and asks, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?”
Obama smiled and replied, “I think you’re in my seat.”
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
All the networks had their own spin on the debate last night . . . each calling it something different. ABC called it “Dancing Around the Questions.”
I don’t want to say the debate was boring, but I didn’t think a political event could be that dull without the help of Al Gore.
It got a little heated at one point when McCain said that we don’t have time for on-the-job training. Then I thought, “Well then why did you pick Sarah Palin?”
The only really new proposal came from John McCain. McCain proposed buying up bad homeowner mortgages. Not to save the middle class — you know McCain, he just likes buying houses.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs The Campaign Is Getting Ugly
10. Three times Straight Talk Express has "accidentally" knocked over Obama's mailbox
9. Next debate will be moderated by Jerry Springer
8. McCain keeps referring to opponent as "Sen. Barack Hussein Obama bin Laden"
7. Sarah Palin says she can see Joe Biden's hair plugs from her house
6. Desperate attempt to connect Obama to the last eight years of Regis
5. No number 5 — economy so bad, writer putting everything he owns up on eBay
4. They have resorted to "Your vice president's so dumb" jokes
3. Obama claimed McCain's irresponsibility caused the 1929 stock market crash
2. Even Dick Cheney thinks they're being cruel
1. Obama's gloves are off, McCain's teeth are out
David Letterman
Tom Brokaw did a tremendous job moderating the debate. At one point, Tom tells Obama and McCain that they’re going to answer questions that came in over the Internet. And McCain said, “Tom . . . is that the same as the telegraph?”
I think McCain isn’t that great a debater. At one point, he said to Obama, “Hey — if you’re so smart, how come you’re not farther ahead in the polls?”
But McCain did say that two years ago he warned everyone about “Beverly Hills Chihuahua.”
They had the town-hall format. That means the candidates could move around on the stage. McCain looked like a retiree who couldn’t find his Buick.
Conan O'Brien
Last night’s presidential debate between Barack Obama and John McCain is being called flat, boring, and uninteresting. As a result, it’s been picked up as a fall series by NBC.
During the debate, John McCain sparked a controversy when he referred to Barack Obama as "that one." Afterwards, McCain said, "What — like I’m supposed to remember everyone's name now?”
Because of all the international focus on the election, the debate was broadcast in foreign countries all across Europe, Asia, and South America. Or as Sarah Palin calls them — "Russia.”
People looking into Barack Obama’s campaign contributions say that Obama may have received $3.3 million from abroad. And it turns out that broad is Oprah Winfrey.
Craig Ferguson
Most people would say Barack Obama is winning: He’s ahead in the polls; he has ways to fix the economy; and he’s with that gorgeous sex-pot Joe Biden.
But I wouldn’t rule out John McCain, just yet. Obama is like the hare, surging ahead with his ideas . . . his plans . . . his cute little bunny ears . . .
McCain is like the tortoise. He’s thousands of years old . . . shuffling forward, occasionally poking his head out of his shell to go to the bathroom . . .
I did take exception to McCain calling Obama “that one.” I can’t think of anytime it would be appropriate to call a United States senator “that one.” Well, maybe if you had to pick a senator out of a lineup.
All the networks had their own spin on the debate last night . . . each calling it something different. ABC called it “Dancing Around the Questions.”
I don’t want to say the debate was boring, but I didn’t think a political event could be that dull without the help of Al Gore.
It got a little heated at one point when McCain said that we don’t have time for on-the-job training. Then I thought, “Well then why did you pick Sarah Palin?”
The only really new proposal came from John McCain. McCain proposed buying up bad homeowner mortgages. Not to save the middle class — you know McCain, he just likes buying houses.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs The Campaign Is Getting Ugly
10. Three times Straight Talk Express has "accidentally" knocked over Obama's mailbox
9. Next debate will be moderated by Jerry Springer
8. McCain keeps referring to opponent as "Sen. Barack Hussein Obama bin Laden"
7. Sarah Palin says she can see Joe Biden's hair plugs from her house
6. Desperate attempt to connect Obama to the last eight years of Regis
5. No number 5 — economy so bad, writer putting everything he owns up on eBay
4. They have resorted to "Your vice president's so dumb" jokes
3. Obama claimed McCain's irresponsibility caused the 1929 stock market crash
2. Even Dick Cheney thinks they're being cruel
1. Obama's gloves are off, McCain's teeth are out
David Letterman
Tom Brokaw did a tremendous job moderating the debate. At one point, Tom tells Obama and McCain that they’re going to answer questions that came in over the Internet. And McCain said, “Tom . . . is that the same as the telegraph?”
I think McCain isn’t that great a debater. At one point, he said to Obama, “Hey — if you’re so smart, how come you’re not farther ahead in the polls?”
But McCain did say that two years ago he warned everyone about “Beverly Hills Chihuahua.”
They had the town-hall format. That means the candidates could move around on the stage. McCain looked like a retiree who couldn’t find his Buick.
Conan O'Brien
Last night’s presidential debate between Barack Obama and John McCain is being called flat, boring, and uninteresting. As a result, it’s been picked up as a fall series by NBC.
During the debate, John McCain sparked a controversy when he referred to Barack Obama as "that one." Afterwards, McCain said, "What — like I’m supposed to remember everyone's name now?”
Because of all the international focus on the election, the debate was broadcast in foreign countries all across Europe, Asia, and South America. Or as Sarah Palin calls them — "Russia.”
People looking into Barack Obama’s campaign contributions say that Obama may have received $3.3 million from abroad. And it turns out that broad is Oprah Winfrey.
Craig Ferguson
Most people would say Barack Obama is winning: He’s ahead in the polls; he has ways to fix the economy; and he’s with that gorgeous sex-pot Joe Biden.
But I wouldn’t rule out John McCain, just yet. Obama is like the hare, surging ahead with his ideas . . . his plans . . . his cute little bunny ears . . .
McCain is like the tortoise. He’s thousands of years old . . . shuffling forward, occasionally poking his head out of his shell to go to the bathroom . . .
I did take exception to McCain calling Obama “that one.” I can’t think of anytime it would be appropriate to call a United States senator “that one.” Well, maybe if you had to pick a senator out of a lineup.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Friday, August 22, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Late Night Jokes
Jay Leno
Paris Hilton’s mother is angry that John McCain put Paris in his campaign video. Isn’t that amazing? Of all the videos Paris has been in, this is the one Mom’s upset about?
It’s getting ugly on the campaign trail. The John McCain campaign has accused Barack Obama of playing the race card, and the Obama campaign has accused McCain of playing the pinochle card.
Barack Obama has accused the Republicans of trying to get the public to fear him because he doesn’t look like the president on the dollar bill. So the choice is, Do you want to elect the guy who doesn’t look like the guy on the dollar bill, or do you want to elect the guy who is older than the president on the dollar bill?
It’s been mentioned that Barack Obama may still pick a woman for vice president, but not Hillary Clinton. Well, today a top Hillary Clinton spokeswoman said that it is inconceivable that Obama would pick another woman over Hillary. To which Bill Clinton said, “It’s not that inconceivable .
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard at Barack Obama's Birthday Party
10. "Where is Britney?"
9. "Hillary, get me another drink"
8. "Brett Favre hasn't decided if he's coming or not"
7. "John McCain has demanded we start drilling for oil in the punch bowl"
6. "Is Senator Craig still in the men's room?"
5. "Where's Paris?"
4. "This is the Barackiest birthday party I've ever been to"
3. No number 3 — writer watching swimming doggies
2. "Mr. Gore, please put your shirt on"
1. "Spitzer's here and he brought whores!"
David Letterman
Great weather in New York City. John McCain had a great weekend — he met with his ham radio club.
Then he played horseshoes at the senior center.
It’s Barack Obama’s birthday today — he’s 47. They say John McCain is 71, but some people are saying he may be older. No one knows for sure because his birth certificate was destroyed when the wagon train was attacked.
Conan O'Brien
Barack Obama has agreed to debate John McCain three times this fall. Both candidates have conditions: Barack Obama wants to have the debates on college campuses; McCain wants them held before 7 p.m.
Craig Ferguson
Barack Obama’s birthday today. Also, Bill Bob Thornton’s birthday. Both very different of course; one’s a former drug user who’s a little bit crazy and will always be in love with Angelina Jolie . . . and the other is Billy Bob
Paris Hilton’s mother is angry that John McCain put Paris in his campaign video. Isn’t that amazing? Of all the videos Paris has been in, this is the one Mom’s upset about?
It’s getting ugly on the campaign trail. The John McCain campaign has accused Barack Obama of playing the race card, and the Obama campaign has accused McCain of playing the pinochle card.
Barack Obama has accused the Republicans of trying to get the public to fear him because he doesn’t look like the president on the dollar bill. So the choice is, Do you want to elect the guy who doesn’t look like the guy on the dollar bill, or do you want to elect the guy who is older than the president on the dollar bill?
It’s been mentioned that Barack Obama may still pick a woman for vice president, but not Hillary Clinton. Well, today a top Hillary Clinton spokeswoman said that it is inconceivable that Obama would pick another woman over Hillary. To which Bill Clinton said, “It’s not that inconceivable .
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard at Barack Obama's Birthday Party
10. "Where is Britney?"
9. "Hillary, get me another drink"
8. "Brett Favre hasn't decided if he's coming or not"
7. "John McCain has demanded we start drilling for oil in the punch bowl"
6. "Is Senator Craig still in the men's room?"
5. "Where's Paris?"
4. "This is the Barackiest birthday party I've ever been to"
3. No number 3 — writer watching swimming doggies
2. "Mr. Gore, please put your shirt on"
1. "Spitzer's here and he brought whores!"
David Letterman
Great weather in New York City. John McCain had a great weekend — he met with his ham radio club.
Then he played horseshoes at the senior center.
It’s Barack Obama’s birthday today — he’s 47. They say John McCain is 71, but some people are saying he may be older. No one knows for sure because his birth certificate was destroyed when the wagon train was attacked.
Conan O'Brien
Barack Obama has agreed to debate John McCain three times this fall. Both candidates have conditions: Barack Obama wants to have the debates on college campuses; McCain wants them held before 7 p.m.
Craig Ferguson
Barack Obama’s birthday today. Also, Bill Bob Thornton’s birthday. Both very different of course; one’s a former drug user who’s a little bit crazy and will always be in love with Angelina Jolie . . . and the other is Billy Bob
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Friday, August 1, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
Late Night Jokes
Jay Leno
John McCain’s economic adviser Phil Gramm is under fire. He says Americans are bunch if whiners. He also says the country is in a mental recession, we are experiencing a mental slowdown . . . kind of like President Bush.
Earlier this week, the Senate approved a new eavesdropping bill, which means they’re now allowed to listen to what you say without you knowing it. Jesse Jackson is really upset about this.
Insiders claim that although Jesse Jackson publically supports Barack Obama, privately he doesn’t like him. Kind of like Bill with Hillary.
Today, Jesse tried to reach out to Obama who said, “Keep your hands where I can see them.”
Conan O'Brien
Today’s New York Times once again raised the issue that John McCain may not be eligible to be president because he’s not a natural born U.S. citizen. Apparently, McCain was born outside the 13 colonies.
Jesse Jackson says he’s trying to put his remarks about Barack Obama behind him. He says Obama has forgiven him. Obama says he’ll appoint Jesse Jackson secretary of nut cutting.
Barack Obama this week was endorsed by the U.S. Black Golfers Association. Not only that, Obama was also endorsed by the Association of Asian Hockey Players.
Last night, Hillary appeared at fundraiser with Barack Obama, and Obama told the crowd, “Hillary rocks.” Then Bill Clinton said the same thing, but he was talking about Hilary Duff.
John McCain’s economic adviser Phil Gramm is under fire. He says Americans are bunch if whiners. He also says the country is in a mental recession, we are experiencing a mental slowdown . . . kind of like President Bush.
Earlier this week, the Senate approved a new eavesdropping bill, which means they’re now allowed to listen to what you say without you knowing it. Jesse Jackson is really upset about this.
Insiders claim that although Jesse Jackson publically supports Barack Obama, privately he doesn’t like him. Kind of like Bill with Hillary.
Today, Jesse tried to reach out to Obama who said, “Keep your hands where I can see them.”
Conan O'Brien
Today’s New York Times once again raised the issue that John McCain may not be eligible to be president because he’s not a natural born U.S. citizen. Apparently, McCain was born outside the 13 colonies.
Jesse Jackson says he’s trying to put his remarks about Barack Obama behind him. He says Obama has forgiven him. Obama says he’ll appoint Jesse Jackson secretary of nut cutting.
Barack Obama this week was endorsed by the U.S. Black Golfers Association. Not only that, Obama was also endorsed by the Association of Asian Hockey Players.
Last night, Hillary appeared at fundraiser with Barack Obama, and Obama told the crowd, “Hillary rocks.” Then Bill Clinton said the same thing, but he was talking about Hilary Duff.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Late Night Jokes
Jay Leno
With gas prices approaching $5 a gallon, a lot people are starting to use bicycles. In fact, coming in today, I saw Jesse Jackson backpedaling all the way.
On Fox News, Jesse Jackson, during an interview, not realizing his mike was on, said some pretty nasty things about Barack Obama including that he would like to cut his testicles off. Hillary Clinton commented on the remark saying, “I don’t know what the big deal is — I say that to Bill at least once a week.”
Jesse also said he thought Barack Obama was talking down to black people by lecturing them on things like fatherhood and being a responsible husband. Jesse thought it was insulting not only to him, but to his former mistress and their love child.
John McCain is coming under fire for comments made by his top economic adviser former Sen. Phil Gramm, who called America a nation of “whiners,” and that the nation is only in a “mental recession.” That $5 gas and the bank repossessing your house? That’s all in your mind.
Conan O'Brien
On Fox News, Jesse Jackson was caught saying he wants to cut Barack Obama’s n**s off. This marks the nicest thing ever said about Barack Obama on Fox News.
Jesse Jackson has said he is trying to apologize to Barack Obama, but Barack Obama has not taken his calls. Apparently, Jackson is so mad that Barack won’t take his calls, he’s once again threatened to cut his n**s off.
John McCain also in the news. At a campaign event, McCain refused to answer any questions about Viagra. Mainly because all the Viagra questions came from his wife, Cindy.
With gas prices approaching $5 a gallon, a lot people are starting to use bicycles. In fact, coming in today, I saw Jesse Jackson backpedaling all the way.
On Fox News, Jesse Jackson, during an interview, not realizing his mike was on, said some pretty nasty things about Barack Obama including that he would like to cut his testicles off. Hillary Clinton commented on the remark saying, “I don’t know what the big deal is — I say that to Bill at least once a week.”
Jesse also said he thought Barack Obama was talking down to black people by lecturing them on things like fatherhood and being a responsible husband. Jesse thought it was insulting not only to him, but to his former mistress and their love child.
John McCain is coming under fire for comments made by his top economic adviser former Sen. Phil Gramm, who called America a nation of “whiners,” and that the nation is only in a “mental recession.” That $5 gas and the bank repossessing your house? That’s all in your mind.
Conan O'Brien
On Fox News, Jesse Jackson was caught saying he wants to cut Barack Obama’s n**s off. This marks the nicest thing ever said about Barack Obama on Fox News.
Jesse Jackson has said he is trying to apologize to Barack Obama, but Barack Obama has not taken his calls. Apparently, Jackson is so mad that Barack won’t take his calls, he’s once again threatened to cut his n**s off.
John McCain also in the news. At a campaign event, McCain refused to answer any questions about Viagra. Mainly because all the Viagra questions came from his wife, Cindy.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Late Nite Jokes
Jay Leno
They're now investigating why Barack Obama's charter jet had mechanical problems. ABC news says the jet was previously used by Hillary Clinton. So Hillary lets Barack borrow her plane and it had some problems. I wonder what that’s all about . . .
Conan O'Brien
The Democratic Party announced this week that Barack Obama will give his acceptance speech at an 80,000-seat stadium and that they will not serve fried food at the Democratic Convention. Which begs the question, Where are they going to find 80,000 Americans who don’t eat fried food?
They're now investigating why Barack Obama's charter jet had mechanical problems. ABC news says the jet was previously used by Hillary Clinton. So Hillary lets Barack borrow her plane and it had some problems. I wonder what that’s all about . . .
Conan O'Brien
The Democratic Party announced this week that Barack Obama will give his acceptance speech at an 80,000-seat stadium and that they will not serve fried food at the Democratic Convention. Which begs the question, Where are they going to find 80,000 Americans who don’t eat fried food?
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Late Night Jokes
Jay Leno
It was so hot today, John McCain offered a $300 million prize to the first person to develop a prune Slurpee.
John Kerry is now criticizing John McCain. Kerry is saying McCain doesn’t have the judgment to be president. I don’t think that’s true. McCain had the good judgment not to accept Kerry’s offer to be his running mate in 2004.
Conan O'Brien
Barack Obama's campaign has announced they are going to hold an event at a NASCAR race. The event will be called, “Meet Your First Black Guy.”
A 60-year-old woman was kicked out of a McCain rally for heckling him. Afterwards, McCain said, “I’m just not popular with young women.”
It was so hot today, John McCain offered a $300 million prize to the first person to develop a prune Slurpee.
John Kerry is now criticizing John McCain. Kerry is saying McCain doesn’t have the judgment to be president. I don’t think that’s true. McCain had the good judgment not to accept Kerry’s offer to be his running mate in 2004.
Conan O'Brien
Barack Obama's campaign has announced they are going to hold an event at a NASCAR race. The event will be called, “Meet Your First Black Guy.”
A 60-year-old woman was kicked out of a McCain rally for heckling him. Afterwards, McCain said, “I’m just not popular with young women.”
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